I will never tell you my deepest secret because knowing it would make me feel too powerful to ever forget you.

A car stole my parallel parking spot after I waited with my blinker on, so I put a note on their windshield written in lipstick.

A guy cut me off at a four-way stop, so I drove 15 miles under the speed limit directly in front of him until he turned.

I matched with my former boss’s ex-wife on a dating app. We had dinner last night, and hearing all the dirt on his home life was pure poetry.

My ex kept using my Netflix account after we broke up. Instead of changing the password, I changed his profile language to Finnish and set the kids lock on.

My aunt told everyone she won her baking championship fairly, but she bought the cake from a local bakery.

I’ve been pretending to hate my coworker’s favorite band for months just so we have a reason to banter every morning.

My parents think I gave my old guitar away to a music school, but I secretly kept it stored in my closet.

I convinced my husband to get a vasectomy after our second child, but I secretly had my eggs frozen six months before without telling a single soul.

I caught my daughter’s high school boyfriend looking at me in the mirror while I was fixing my hair. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.

I know your favorite brand of coffee because I peeked at your desk trash can three years ago.

I learned how to play chess over the summer just so I would have an excuse to hang out with you more.

I have a deep-seated fear that I will end up completely alone in life, and it keeps me awake at 3:00 AM.

I matched with my neighborhood crush’s son on a dating app by mistake. We’ve been texting secretly for a week, and the banter is dangerously good.

I’m deeply in love with my daughter’s 24-year-old personal trainer. Every time he comes over to coach her, I find an excuse to bring out fresh lemonade.