My boss thinks I’m working from home on Mondays. I’m actually at the day spa getting massages while responding to emails from my phone.

I let my group take a failing grade on a presentation because I refused to cover for their missing sections.

I love going to the movie theater by myself on Tuesday afternoons when the entire room is completely empty.

A neighbor keeps letting their dog poop on my lawn, so I bagged it up and left it neatly on their front doormat.

My coworker always leaves the microwave dirty with popcorn splatter, so I put a sticky note inside saying "Your mother doesn't work here."

I passed my exam on the first try and kept it to myself for years before anyone knew.

My ex-fiancé tried to sue me for the ring back after he cheated. I sold it to a pawn shop, bought a fake replica on Amazon, and handed him the box in court.

My old hometown feels like a stranger's town now that all the local spots we hung out at have been demolished.

I told my nephew that thunder is just the clouds bowling in the sky, and now he roots for a strike every storm.

I still watch animated cartoons from the 90s on Saturday mornings with a giant bowl of sugary cereal.

I told my dog he was getting a special treat, and then gave him a single piece of regular kibble. He looked betrayed.

I told my cat that the vacuum cleaner was a gentle pet monster, and now he just stares at it blankly.

My crush is someone who should not know about how much I care and yet they probably already do.

I overheard my sister-in-law talking trash about my cooking at Thanksgiving. I’ve been using decaf coffee beans in her mug for six months.

I buy the exact same brand of tea that you drink just so I can feel a tiny bit closer to your daily routine.